Taking the "Simcha" out of a Simcha
I am writing this from a wedding. I will not say whose. But I will say this. The centerpiece on my table costs more than a car, and that is already a problem.
I am writing this from a wedding. I will not say whose. But I will say this. The centerpiece on my table costs more than a car, and that is already a problem.
When did this become normal?
I look around and I do not see simcha. I see pressure. Parents walking around like they just refinanced their house for the wedding. The Chassan and Kallah look overwhelmed by the music (don't get me started on the volume) and lights (when did that become a thing???)
Somewhere along the way, we confused Simchas Chassan V'Kallah with showing off. There is beautifying a mitzvah, and then there is lighting money on fire so nobody thinks you are cheap. We crossed that line a long time ago.
People are going into debt for this. Real debt. For flowers that get thrown out. For singers that nobody remembers. For an event that is supposed to be about building a bayis neeman, not winning a competition.
And the craziest part is that everyone knows it is stupid. Nobody actually wants this. Nobody leaves saying, wow, that imported greenery really added alot. They leave saying, how much do you think it costed?
So here is a wild idea. A wedding with normal food that is hot. Music that sounds Jewish. An atmosphere that feels like simcha. A bill that does not follow the parents around for the next ten years.
Make normal normal again. Stop pretending this is holy. It is not hiddur. It is insecurity with a DJ.
If that makes me old fashioned, I am fine with that.
maybe yes maybe no
The point being made here is true at its core. But let’s stop dressing this up as a “community issue.” It’s not. This is a self-made problem, created by individuals who are busy trying to impress the next guy, who is usually even more broke and deeper in debt than they are.
A simcha by Yidden is not something we take lightly, and baruch Hashem we don’t. A simcha is meant to be shared with family and friends. It’s about joy, about togetherness, and yes, about making sure there’s food especially for people who don’t always have it (like bochurim). That part is real and important.
Now here’s where people start acting like שוטים.
If you’re going into debt for a fancy wedding, for extras, upgrades, and show off nonsense, then let’s call it what it is: stupidity. No one forced you to do that. You chose it.
But here’s the nuance people love to ignore. If you’re making the most basic, bare-bones wedding—nothing fancy, no add-ons, no flex and you still need to borrow just to get through it, then fine. At that point, once you’re borrowing anyway, you might as well upgrade a bit so it looks normal and respectable. Not to impress people, but so you’re not embarrassed by a skeleton simcha that looks like it was thrown together in five minutes.
That’s not about showing off. That’s about dignity.
What is about showing off is when someone goes full production mode, tries to impress the entire Lubavitch, and then cries that weddings are too expensive. No. You made them expensive. Own it.
Be a man. Live within your means. And if you’re worried that people are judging you because your wedding didn’t look like you could’ve bought the chassan and kallah a house instead of it, who cares? The guy judging you is probably sitting there stressed about his own bills.
You think he’s impressed with how you live the rest of the year? You think one blown-out wedding is going to change that? It won’t. It’s a black hole. There’s always someone bigger, louder, and more irresponsible.
This whole issue is stupidly simple. It’s not communal, it’s not systemic, and it’s not complicated. It’s individuals lacking backbone and common sense, trying to impress other people who are just as insecure and just as broke. Once people stop pretending otherwise, the “crisis” disappears overnight.