Annoyed.

That’s the only emotion I feel ​n​ow.

Not happy. Not sad. Not excited. Not mad. Just annoyed.

Why?

Well, there are many reasons. Here are a few.

I had an incredible year.

Learning, davening, limud hachassidus, darkei hachassidus—living the life of a bochur in Dor Hashvi’i.

Weekday learning. Mivtzoim on Fridays. ​M​any Shabbosim near the Rebbe.

Daily (plus) visits to 770. I soaked it all in.

Then came Pesach. I went home - and when I came back, I tried to jump right back in.

But something had shifted.

I was held back. Pushed away.

“Close the books!” echoed through the Zal.

“Shlichus has begun!”

“Where are you going? Who’s in your group?”

Learning was over.

Our Menahel hung up a massive world map in the back of Zal, marking nearly 60 locations where he planned to send shluchim.

I was in shock.

“This is a Yeshiva!!” I told my tablemates.

Their response:

“The Menahel told me to make a group.”

I thought, Who would shut down their own Yeshiva?

But my words fell on deaf ears.

I tried—really tried—to ignore the noise.

I stuck to my schedule:

Waking up on time, davening in the Rebbe’s room, Iyun with my chavrusa, Girsa, Chassidus Erev...

But it didn’t hold. I was already being pulled in.

As I began to drown, I cried out for help.

Again, silence.

The alarm was snoozed.

Davening was late.

Iyun was rushed.

Girsa? Skipped.

Chassidus Erev? Delayed.

I still tried. At least to hold on to what I had.

But even that wasn’t answered.

And now, here I am.

Annoyed.

Just​ ​s​hort time left of my Yeshiva life under proper Hashgacha.

Just​ ​s​hort time left until I become the teacher.

Just ​ ​s​hort time left… and then it’s over.

Forever.

Why couldn’t it just end… normally?

On a good note.

Why can’t it end on a good note?